What to Say and What Not to Say after RUOK?

Asking someone, “Are you okay?” is a great start. But what comes next?

Sometimes we want to help, but we don’t because we are too worried that we might make it worse. Give your D&Ms a confidence-boost by learning what to say and what not to say after RUOK?  

Know what not to say

Sometimes we say things to be helpful but they end up having the opposite effect. Avoid these common well-meaning pitfalls:

• Avoid going straight into fix-it mode
  Don’t give unsolicited advice. Your emotional experiences and circumstances are not the same as another person’s which means what has worked for you may not work for someone else. It’s common to feel under pressure to try to fix someone’s problems or change how they feel, but you don’t need to solve their problem. Ask them to tell you what would be most helpful. Often, the most valuable thing you can do is just listen and to let them know you care.

• Invalidating statements
  Saying things like, “There’s nothing to worry about,” “Everything will be fine,” or “Be positive” may seem harmless, but you’re inadvertently invalidating the person’s current feelings and experience. Invalidation, often in the form of toxic positivity, creates distance between you and the person you care about because the message they are receiving is that you do not understand what they are going through, or even worse, you don’t want to.

• Simplistic motivational statements
  “Don’t feel bad.” “Be happy.” “Smile.” “Chill out!”  “Think positive thoughts.” “Cheer up!” Again, well-meaning but often unhelpful. These kinds of statements often reflect a need to relieve your own discomfort. If you can’t tolerate their distress, how do you expect them to tolerate it? If you feel the urge to say something like this, just pause and take a breath. Instead of telling them to change how they feel, just focus on listening. If you don’t think you can support someone, that’s okay too—you have to know your own limits.

• Judgemental statements
  When we can’t relate to someone else’s experience, we can fall into the judgemental trap and say things like: “It’s not that bad,” “You’re too sensitive,” “Get over it,” “You have everything, you have no reason to feel bad,” or “You worry too much.” People who feel anxious or depressed are their harshest critics, so judgemental statements just compound the problem rather than alleviate it. When you’re struggling to understand someone’s distress, replace judgement with curiosity.

What to say

Here are four ways to create real connection that will put you in the best position to support someone who really needs it.

• Be validating
  Validation is a way of communicating that conveys to someone that what they are saying is understandable and reasonable. When you are validating, you are saying that their thoughts and feelings are real and acknowledging their struggle. Examples of validating statements are: “I can see you’re having a difficult time.” or “It must be so hard to feel so anxious/depressed.”

• Be curious
  If you’re having a hard time relating to or understanding someone else’s experience, ask questions. Remember that how you ask is as important as what you ask. Adopt a warm and curious tone that conveys your desire to increase your understanding and empathy. A curious stance can also help you be more direct, especially if you are concerned about someone’s safety. Examples of questions are: “I’ve heard that sometimes anxiety/depression comes out of the blue, is it like that for you?” or “I don’t know what that feels like. Tell me more about it.” or “Are you having thoughts that you want to die or harm yourself?”

• Be open
  Stigma often stops people from seeking appropriate support. If you have had similar issues in the past and/or had positive interactions with a psychologist or other mental health professional, it can be useful to share your experience. Just remember that sharing is in the service of reducing stigma and encouraging them to seek appropriate support, not advice-giving or changing the focus from their issues to yours. Examples of sharing might be, “Your experience reminds me of how I felt a couple years ago, I really feel for you,” or “I found it helpful to see a psychologist when I was anxious, what are your thoughts about that?”

• Be supportive
  It’s not only about what you say and how you say it, it’s about how you show up. Sometimes you don’t need to say anything, you only need to be there. Sometimes you only need to listen. Sometimes you only need to walk alongside someone. Just knowing that you’re there can give people a sense of comfort, security and hope. You can also provide encouragement and practical support for example by sitting next to them while they make an appointment with their GP or helping them search for a psychologist in their area. Examples of supportive comments are: “Let me know what I can do to help you.,” “I’m happy to just sit here with you if you want,” “Can I help you find a psychologist?” “Do you need me to just listen?”, “Would it be helpful if I sat with you when you ring Lifeline?” or “I’m here.”

One final important point:

Don’t make promises you can’t keep

Although you want someone to be able to confide in you, never say that your conversations will be completely confidential. If you fear for their safety, you have to act in their best interest. If someone expresses suicidal thoughts or is harming themselves in some way that puts their health or others at risk, you have to tell someone they know (like their significant other) or call someone (like Lifeline or 000) for help even if they don’t want you to.

Check out the RUOK? website for more tips and resources

Dr. Lillian Nejad is a clinical psychologist, author and founder of Skills for Life and Contain Your Brain.